Tonight, I texted Kelly telling her I felt "misplaced".
Tonight was Tara and Jessica's annual Christmas party in Silverlake. I was 380.18 miles away at a 18 and over club. My boredom drove me to walk home. My boredom and
I purchased a small chese pizza.
I fed some others but most of it found a home in my stomach.
I walked again.
I used food as a cure to remedy my inability to relax. Eating outdoors is a stabilizer and calming agent. It sooths me. I once brought a box of Capri Sun's to a party in high school. I eat bananas at parties I attend. Last year, I brought green tea with added honey to the Christmas party.
I tried to find something to fix this internal restlessness.
I keep losing faith in this city every time I go out. It scares me when I say specifically for the snobbish reasons that give rise to such statements.
Nighttime is not a beautiful time in San Francisco. Usually when the lights go out, people become more comfortable. I become clausterphobic. It is like that saying "more fish in the sea", but think of it as your sea is almost dry and is now a very small pond. I haven't found many meaningful pursuits in people or anything else here. I haven't found many people that do not snort cocaine. I try my best to accept the behavior of others but I cannot control the cringe my mind and body undergo when introduced to certain elements. The melatonin, many slices of pizza or other unspecified variables are growing in weight.
I wrote this at 2:49AM on the night of my birthday (Dec. 20th) and just now decided to publish it for reasons I cannot mold into words.