Tonight, I texted Kelly telling her I felt "misplaced".
Tonight was Tara and Jessica's annual Christmas party in Silverlake. I was 380.18 miles away at a 18 and over club. My boredom drove me to walk home. My boredom and
I walked.
I purchased a small chese pizza.
I fed some others but most of it found a home in my stomach.
I walked again.
I used food as a cure to remedy my inability to relax. Eating outdoors is a stabilizer and calming agent. It sooths me. I once brought a box of Capri Sun's to a party in high school. I eat bananas at parties I attend. Last year, I brought green tea with added honey to the Christmas party.
I tried to find something to fix this internal restlessness.
I keep losing faith in this city every time I go out. It scares me when I say specifically for the snobbish reasons that give rise to such statements.
Nighttime is not a beautiful time in San Francisco. Usually when the lights go out, people become more comfortable. I become clausterphobic. It is like that saying "more fish in the sea", but think of it as your sea is almost dry and is now a very small pond. I haven't found many meaningful pursuits in people or anything else here. I haven't found many people that do not snort cocaine. I try my best to accept the behavior of others but I cannot control the cringe my mind and body undergo when introduced to certain elements. The melatonin, many slices of pizza or other unspecified variables are growing in weight.
I wrote this at 2:49AM on the night of my birthday (Dec. 20th) and just now decided to publish it for reasons I cannot mold into words.
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4 comments:
thank you for deciding- for whatever inexplicable reason- to post the blog.
i like it when we just say it plainly like this, instead of projecting that it's fine to everyone else out there, everyone but ourselves. i like it when you say it plainly this way. but it isn't san francisco. if and when you come back here, you will say it just as plainly about this place too. in a matter of time, a matter of nights. but. at least. we'll be here to share the regard.
i think we are due for a little ichat soon.
love you a lot.
gosh, i <3 ur blog...its hear u.but its healthy to stay alone sometimes, even for ur birthday.rather than partying/drinking around empty barely familiar ppl.at those kinds of "lonely" moments i feel more connected to the universe and strong.follow ur heart.life is beautiful in all its shades of gray.
i meant... gosh, i luv ur blog I hear u..blah-blah;))lol
yes, i chose to share a small cheese pizza with myself and random people i would encounter while walking the streets instead of spending my birthday at some "party" with people i hardly know. it was lonely and beautiful at the same time.
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